One month

Today is one month since Adam left us. One month since my life changed forever. I am not the same person as I was before we got that phone call the morning of Nov. 3rd. I am not the person I want to be. I am unhappy, sad, angry, impatient, irritable. I hate being in crowds. I don't like talking to people. When I go out in public, it just reminds me that the world is continuing and I want it to stop. I just want it all to stop until I am able to continue with my life. But I don't know if I am ever going to feel ready to continue with my life. I really can't go anywhere or do anything without crying. I cry in Wal-Mart when I see the baby section, I cried at my niece's Thanksgiving performance just because there were so many happy people there and I wanted to be happy but couldn't, I cried the other night before dinner because the meal we were having was high carb and for a sec I thought I should be checking my blood sugar like I did when I was pregnant, I cry all the time in the car because Allison constantly wants to listen to the "Jesus song"- the song we played at Adam's funeral, I cry at the thought of going back to work and being among people again. How am I ever going to hold it together for a whole work day. I have several job interviews next week. How am I going to get through a whole interview without crying and telling them not to hire me because I don't think I can actually go through with it.

I have to try to go on and stop crying for Allison. She sees me cry and asks me why I am crying while grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears. I know she feels my sadness too, whenever I start to get upset, even if she can't see me or I try my best to hide it, her mood changes too. She has been very clingy lately. I can't leave her sight without her looking or crying for me. She won't eat very often unless I feed her. Its like she's reverting back to being a baby. She always "carries" around Adam and talks about him often. I just wish I knew what was going through her head. I have to try to pull myself together for her.

I have read quite a few blogs of other woman who have gone through losing a child and I really am not hopeful that I am going to be feeling better any time soon. From what I have read, the pain will stay the same, but I will one day learn to go on and be able to live my life with this pain. I know Adam wouldn't want me to stop living because he is not here. I have to keep going, find someway to make his life meaningful, not just to me, but to others who go through the same thing. I wish I could help other families who will face this situation. Maybe a book (good idea, Hollie). But in order to do anything like this, I need to get me better. I have decided, or more it was decided for me by Steve, that I need to talk to someone to help me sort out these feelings and make sense of what has happened.

Another thing I have read in others blogs, is how to deal with the question, "How many children do you have?". Some have said that they will go with the simple answer and just admit to the living children they have to avoid the complicated answer of what happened to their baby or to avoid making the person asking the question feel uncomfortable. I have decided, that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, I cannot deny that Adam is my son! It may make the other person feel bad for a short time, but it would make me feel bad for a lot longer if I said that I only have 1 child and not acknowledge Adam's life.

Here is a poem I found another a blogger friend, Lisette's, website. Lisette lost her daughter, Sami, about a week before Adam. I'm sure these 2 babies are playing together in Heaven!


A pair of shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.

I wish....I'm happy that...

I wish... in no particular order, just random thoughts...



I wish that Adam was alive and healthy.
I wish Allison got to be a big sister.
I wish I could have 2 children ( seriously, some people get 19 and I can't have 2?)
I wish I was as strong as people said I was.
I wish a piece of my heart wasn't missing.
I wish I had more patience with Allison lately.
I wish Allison's hugs made me feel better like they used to.
I wish I didn't feel so disconnected from my daughter.
I wish Allison didn't have to pretend to play with her brother.
I wish it didn't break my heart every time she pretended she was holding him.
I wish a part of me didn't want to pretend right along with her.
I wish I could fast forward past Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's this year.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work, EVER!
I wish I could just win the lottery and stay home try to be the best mommy ever to Allison!
I wish the CDU was still the CDU so I could go "home" and work where I was comfortable with people that really care about me instead of finding a new job with strangers who know nothing about me.
I wish I had it in me to be an ER nurse so I could still work with those people.
I wish there was something that could take my pain away.
I wish I could stay in a drunk oblivious state all the time. ( But I am NEVER in this state)
I wish I would have smiled for just one picture of me and Adam.
I wish I could have just one picture of Allison holding Adam.
I wish I could have at least one picture of me, Allison and Adam.
I wish I could go get a new "Family Picture" without feeling like it was wrong because Adam wasn't there.
I wish I didn't get insanely jealous/ upset/ angry when I see a pregnant woman or someone with a very young baby.
I wish I knew why we prayed if God is going to do what he wants to do anyway....
I wish my cruise left sooner...I needed to get away, like, yesterday.
I wish Steve would put the toilet paper on the roller, the "right way", AKA "MY WAY".
I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.
I wish I could be happy, really truly happy again.
I wish I could eat the foods that I ate a lot while I was pregnant without crying.
I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with Adam.
I wish God would've just given me a miracle!
I wish my c-section incision would stop hurting already.
I wish I wasn't such a mess that I could be a better wife to Steve.
I wish my sister, Heather, lived closer.
I wish I was more motivated to care about cleaning, cooking and taking care of my family.
I wish I could figure out where to find graphics to put on the blog...saw some on another blog that I really like, but can't find the link for them anywhere!
I wish I didn't feel like a pregnancy failure...how many times have I been pregnant, how many kids do I have?? ( I have more babies in Heaven than I do on Earth)
I wish I wasn't so selfish that I would rather have Adam here with me than healed in Heaven.
I wish I could just hold Adam one more time.
I wish I could say that it didn't cross my mind, for a very brief second, while visiting his grave to dig him up just to hold him again (yeah, I know, very very bad idea, but a grieving mother doesn't have too many good ideas)
I wish I knew how to deal with all of this...

I'm happy that...

I'm happy that I got to be pregnant with Adam for 35 weeks!

I'm happy that I got to feel his kicks, hiccups and bond with him while he was growing.

I'm happy that I got to spend 4 days with Adam while he was alive.

I'm happy that I went the night before Adam died and said "Goodnight".

I'm happy that I have family and friends that are trying to help me through this.

I'm happy that I had a wonderful photographer that took beautiful pictures of my baby boy.

I'm happy that Adam is not suffering at all anymore!

I'm happy that Steve's work gave him the days off to go on the cruise.

I'm happy that we had enough Seamiles Points to take a free cruise.

I'm happy that Allison is a wonderful, caring person. I am lucky to have her as my daughter.

I'm happy that Steve is still putting up with me after almost 4 years of marriage.

I'm happy that listening to Linkin Park and breaking plates allows me to get out some of my anger.

I'm happy that I won a trip to Disney last year and can't wait to take Allison for her birthday.

I'm happy that I started this blog to get out all of my feelings!

Homesick

Its been a week since I last posted and I would like to tell everyone that I am doing so much better and am moving on just fine. But that is not the case. Maybe I am doing a little better, I am not crying as often, but I think that's because I am just sick of crying! I have good hours and bad hours. But the pain is still there so much and I just don't know how to make it stop!

I know I will always love Adam and miss him, but I want to enjoy life again. We have been trying to take Allison to do a lot lately, trying to distract all of us from this, but even when I start to feel "happy", its not "real happiness". Deep down I am crying and screaming and angry and think that life is not fair at all! Why do people who do drugs throughout their pregnancies end up with healthy babies? Why do people abort completely healthy babies every day because they don't want them and I desperately wanted Adam and I can't have him?? It's just not fair!

I have a niece who was born 1 week before Adam. I tried to be strong and see her yesterday, I thought I could do it. Instead, I couldn't even look at her without falling apart inside! Allison was very interested in her and it just hurt so bad. She should be able to be a big sister to her little brother. I should be able to be a mother to my son. Instead I am left with this pain, a piece of me is gone and I can't get it back. My heart continuously aches for Adam. My arms ache to hold him. I just wish I could make sense out of all of this!

There are 2 things that have brought me comfort lately. The first is the pictures that the photographer, Stephanie from Angel's Touch Photography took of Adam. I think I get on her website several times a day to see pictures of my baby. Seeing him just makes me feel better. The only thing I regret, is that Allison was so sick the day he died, that I was unable to get any pictures of her holding him. And that makes me wonder, why did God allow her to get sick that day? He knew that he was taking Adam home and how important it was for me to have pictures of my 2 children together, and yet he allowed her to get sick. While I am upset about this, I do have the pictures of me and Steve with Adam and I am forever thankful to Stephanie for doing this for me. The pictures we took don't even compare to the beauty of the ones she did for us.

Another thing that brings me comfort is a song by MercyMe called Homesick. Actually, I heard it one a slide show Stephanie made of the pictures she took for us and I immediately was able to relate to it. Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now


The song really just puts into words how I am feeling. I know Adam is much better off in Heaven than here on Earth and I am so happy for him. But it still hurts so bad. We did everything we could to try and save him. Even knowing that it didn't help, I would do it all over again if I had to! The dr bills keep coming in and its just another reminder that no matter how hard you try or how much you pray for something, if it's not what God wants, then you will not get your way. God knows whats best and someday he will tell me why this had to happen.

I am going to start seriously looking for a job this week. I should be released to go back to work in about a month and need to have something lined up. But I know I need something low stress. I cannot return to being an ER nurse right now. It is just too stressful and I think its going to be a long time before I am able to think clearly and don't want to kill anyone.

We have a free cruise from points from a credit card and really want to take it before I go back to work. I need to get away and relax. Everywhere we go around here, I have a memory of being pregnant with Adam and it just brings back all the pain of knowing that he was alive inside of me and now he's not. We never went on a cruise when was pregnant, so hopefully we will be able to escape too many painful memories, even if for only a few days. As long as Steve's work lets him have a couple days off then we will be able to go in the beginning of December, probably around our anniversary.

Sorry, I feel like I have written a book.

I miss my baby boy!

I have been meaning to get on and post about what happened with Adam but have had so many different emotions and thoughts that I couldn't even begin to know where to start. But I will do my best, it might be a little long and sometimes hard to follow, but that's how my mind works these days.

Monday, Nov 2, my sister, Heather, and Allison came up to St.Pete to spend some time with me and Steve. There was a little change in the weather and it made Allison start to wheeze and have a lot of breathing trouble. Heather and I decided to go find a store to buy her some medicine to hold her over until morning when my parents would come up and bring her nebulizer machine. While we were out at the store we decided to go and check on Adam. And I couldn't be happier that I did because this was the last time I would see him alive. He was doing pretty good. He was on a normal ventilator, his blood gases were good and his blood pressure was holding steady. I held his hand and told him that I loved him and would be back in the morning. Before I left, I reminded the nurse to call if anything happened. She seemed a little annoyed at this, but I didn't care. I wanted to make sure that she knew I was his caring mother and needed to know about any changes in his status.

The medicine we got for Allison didn't help her for very long. We were up all night with her moaning and whining because she was so miserable and couldn't breath. About 6:00 am I decided that she had suffered enough and we couldn't wait a couple more hours for my parents to get there with her nebulizer machine, so I took a shower and was going to take her to the ER. As I was about to get dressed, Steve's phone rang, it was the NICU. They asked how soon we could get there because they were doing chest compressions on Adam. I froze and didn't even know where to start. Allison couldn't breath and desperately needed to get to the ER but my baby boy needed me too. Heather had to tell me where my clothes were because my mind was not capable of working at that second. Steve hurried up and got dressed and we rushed out of the room, trusting that Heather would take care of Allison for us. I had been discharged from the hospital the day before so we had stayed the night at the Ronald McDonald House which was several blocks from the hospital. We didn't have time to get to the car and then find a parking spot in the parking garage so we ran as fast as we could to the hospital. Adrenaline must have really kicked in for me because I barely felt the pain, c-section stitches and all, I just knew I had to get to my son.

When we got to the NICU, I remember seeing a crash cart and lots of people standing around Adam. I just stopped and one of the nurses had to tell me that it was ok to go in. I looked at the monitor and saw that his heart rate was zero and was just in disbelief. What happened? He was doing ok 10 hrs earlier. They said that his heart just stopped and they couldn't do anything to get it started again. My baby boy was gone.

They brought us to a room where we could hold him and take pictures. We started calling our family to let them know what happened. At first I was ok holding him but as his color started to changed, it felt weird. Steve told me that if I didn't hold him more that I would regret it and I decided that he was probably right. It felt so nice to hold him in my arms. I wish we had stayed longer.

Before I had Adam I had contacted a photographer with an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". They take pictures free of charge for families whose babies have a poor prognosis. Heather had contacted her when Adam was born but I was holding out on her coming, hoping that we would be able to get pictures when he didn't have the breathing tube in and we could hold him. I am really happy I decided to wait because she came that morning and took the most beautiful pictures of my baby. This is how I want to remember him, as beautiful, not with tubes everywhere and with all the swelling that he had .

While we were in with Adam, Heather was in the ER with Allison. The chaplain went over to the ER and spoke with them to expedite the process so that Allison could come over and meet her brother. After she got her breathing treatment in the ER, she was feeling a little better and did very well with Adam. She didn't understand what happened and I'm pretty sure she just thought he was sleeping. By the time the photographer got there, her breathing was pretty bad again and she did not want much part of the pictures. We were able to get a few with her in them, but we never got one of her holding him.

Since I was 17 weeks pregnant, we knew this was a possibility, but I never knew how bad it would hurt to lose him. Yes, I bonded with Adam while I was pregnant. I miss his hiccups and feeling his feet kick me so hard that it hurt. But when I really bonded with him was the first time I was able to hold his little hand. I automatically felt the connection. I never got to hear him cry, see him move or open his eyes. I wish I had, but the only way that would've happened is if we took him off all life support and let him go. I didn't want to give up on him. I knew God was going to tell me when it was his time, and he did. The morning that Adam passed, the neonatologist basically told us that the nephrologist was going to tell us that he would not attempt to place a dialysis shunt and Adam would die anyway, but it could have been days until that happened and we would've just been waiting around for the phone call. This way, God took that pain of waiting away from us and took Adam very quickly. I am thankful that I never had to make the decision to remove the ventilator or take him off any of the medications that were keeping him alive.

Today was Adam's funeral. It was hard, but I made it through. The baby in the casket did not look like my baby. This is not how I want to remember Adam. He was so much cuter than he looked today. Allison was so good today. I think she is starting to understand what happened to Adam. It was really good for her to be there. We put a little cross and a crystal heart in with him and she kept moving them from one hand to the other every time she would go see him and say that he was going to bring them to Heaven and give them to Jesus when he got there. We couldn't keep her away from him. She kept hugging him and kissing him and saying how cute he was. I loved seeing how good she was with him and about the whole thing, but it really broke my heart to see how good a big sister she would've been and now she'll never have that chance.

I hope that nobody reading this ever has to go through losing a child because it is the hardest thing in the world! I am finding it hard to just live. I don't feel like doing the basic things in life. If it wasn't for Allison I would probably just self medicate with benadryl and never get out of bed. But I have to take care of her. Sometimes she has to remind me that she's hungry and then I feed her, but she's not starving. She might stay in a wet diaper a little longer than usual, but I think she will survive. Potty training is over for now. It is the farthest thing on my mind right now. I know eventually I will have to go back to work, but I don't know how to even think about that. I don't even want to be a nurse anymore. I just think it will hurt to much to be in a hospital setting. People keep telling me how strong I am. Well, I don't feel very strong at all. I am a mess. This post cannot even begin to describe how I feel. I know this was what is best for Adam and when I remember that I do feel a little better. But I also feel like this could have been my fault. I had 2 xrays while I was pregnant, I just finished an antibiotic right before I got pregnant, I had to take prednisone for a few weeks because of my asthma. All the dr's say "no", but I will always feel like maybe I did this.

I will never forget Adam. He will always be a part of me and my family. I will not pretend that he didn't happen and not talk about him. I will proudly mention my baby boy and hang his pictures in my house. He was my son and I will always love him. I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers during this hard time. I really appreciate everything.

Adam Stephen 10/30/09- 11/03/09

God decided to take Adam home with him early this morning. Right now I am just trying to figure out how to take care of myself and Allison. We have a meeting with the funeral home in the morning. I will try to get on tmrw and post more details and pictures of my beautiful baby boy. I know he is better off now, but my heart feels like it has been taken out of my chest.

Adam decided to make an early appearance!

Adam was born Oct.30, 2009 at 9:23 am weighing 4 lbs 8.5 oz and 16 inches long.

Thursday morning, Oct 29th,I woke up at about 4 am feeling very uncomfortable and having pretty bad lower abdominal pains. I had plans to go stand in line to get my h1n1 vaccine and really wanted to get it so that Adam would be protected by getting my antibodies so I tried to ignore the pain. At first I didn't think it was contractions but then I noticed that the pain was coming in a pattern. I waited in line for 2 hrs so that me and Allison could get our shots but then I was in quite a bit of pain and knew that I needed to go to the Dr.

Steve left work, we dropped Allison off to my parents then we headed to my Ob. He checked me and I was 2 cm dilated, which was a change from how dilated I was on Monday and was contracting every 2-3 minutes. So he sent me to the hospital to get admitted and eventually transferred to St.Pete. At the hospital they started me on IV Magnesium to try and stop the contractions. No such luck.

Then they set up the transfer to St.Pete. The helicopter came and got me and in a short time I was at the new hospital, all alone and in lots of pain. Steve hurried up and packed and headed up with my parents and sister not too far behind. At the new hospital they stopped the IV Magnesium and started me on Procardia and then terbutaline to try and stop the contractions that were coming every 3-5 mninutes. The procardia didn't do anthing at all. The terbutaline did seem to space the conractions out, but only made the ones that I did have that much stronger. So I continued to have the contractions all night but about 7 am the nurse decided to check me again before giving me more medications to try and stop the labor and I was already dilated to 6cm. Since Adam was breech and it was becoming obvious that nothing that they were doing was going to keep him from coming, they decided to do a stat c-section. As nervous as I was to have my baby born at 35 weeks I was ready to have the pain over with. All night they wouldn't give me anything for the pain because they didn't know when I was going to have to deliver.

So I got the spinal, which luckily worked on both sides of my body unlike the epidural I had with Allison. And they prepped me for surgery. Steve was right next to me the entire time. When Adam was finally out, I waited and waited to hear him cry, but the cry never came. They worked on him for probably about 30 minutes and then told us that they had to intubate him because his lungs seemed really stiff and under developed. This was one of the things that we had hoped and prayed would not happen.

Everything from yesterday after the c-section is a big blur from the pain meds and just the trauma of the whole ordeal. I was napping in the room when Steve called and said that I needed to try to get down there soon to see Adam because it wasn't looking very good. Originaly the nurse had said that maybe after dinner they would get me up to go see him but I told them that I really needed to get down there now. They hesitated by finally said I could go as long as I had family with me and I didn't get out of the wheelchair.

They had to put Adam on a high velocity ventilator with nitrous oxide for his breathing and several medications for his blood pressure because it was dangerously low. Then they ran lots of tests and the prognosis was pretty bad. We were told that he had no kidney function and dialysis would be very difficult. The news wasn't good but it was what we expected.

This morning when we went to visit Adam the nurse practioner came to us and told us that they had found that Adam didn't have any kidney tissue left and dialysis wasn't an option, that he would sooner than later, die of the build up of toxins. Devasted we began talking over our options of whether to take him off the ventilator so that we could spend some time with him before died from the toxin build up or keep him on the ventilator and just allow him to go peacefully in his sleep.

When we went back to see Adam, we met with the neonatologist who gave us a little different outlook. He said that the lungs were small and underdeveloped but were functioning better than they had expected. The day before he was on 100% oxygen on the ventilator and now he's down to 40%, and his saturations are just as good. He said that this could be what they call "the honeymoon period" when they begin to look better but then get worse again and we should be able to get a better idea about his lungs within the next 24-36 hrs.

He also said that IF his lungs continued to improve that it would be possible to do dialysis. It would be very risky for a baby his size who is also on a ventilator and he could die during the shunt placement, but it is possible.

More things we have to worry about are the urinary tract obstruction and his heart condition that he will need open heart surgery for. Even if he survives one surgery, he may not survive the next because if his numerous problems.

Now they are having trouble keeping IV access. All of his tiny veins keep blowing. They are trying for the second time to place a line into his umbilical artery and I am praying that it will work. If not then they will have to consult a surgeon to place a broviac line.

Please keep Adam in your prayers! I am not giving up on my son, but I do want whats best for him.

Almost there...

Today I am 34 weeks 5 days. 15 days until the c-section. As of Oct.23, Adam is estimated to weigh 4 lbs 6 oz. He is measuring about 9 days behind.

Things have pretty much been staying the same with Adam. I am going for a million Dr appts a week. Actually only 5, but it feels like a million. He has been passing all of his test. Sometimes it take the Dr a little while to get him to cooperate so that they can see what they need to see to assure that he's OK, but he eventually does it. The have stopped measuring the amniotic fluid. It hasn't changed too much over the last several weeks and its more stressful to hear such a low number every week. Several appts ago, it did look like it was going to start to go up, but the next appt, it was back down.

There is a new finding with Adam's heart. He has an arrhythmia sometimes. They haven't seen it at every appt, but at several they have. At first they thought that it was from using my inhaler for my asthma quite often during the "cold front" that we had but now I am back to using it like normal and it's still there sometimes. Nobody is too concerned about it. I am not either. We will just have to see what happens when he's born.

Over the weekend, I wasn't feeling too good all week, lots of cramps contractions and a little spotting. I didn't think it was necessary to go to OB triage, so I just waited it out until my appt on Monday. During the appt, they checked my cervix and I am now 1 cm dilated and 75% effaced. The MFM Dr wanted me to be monitored for awhile to see if they needed to stop the contractions so he sent me to OB triage. They hooked me up and I was having contractions about every 3-5 mins and they were starting to hurt. After 3 shots of a medication called terbutaline, they had slowed to about every 7 minutes so they sent me home. Since then, I haven't had too many. During my appt today, I only had 2 small contractions, pretty typical for this late in the pregnancy. Hopefully they will stay away. Not only do I not want to end up delivering here, I do not want any more terbutaline and definitely don't want any IV Mag Sulfate. The terbutaline makes you very jittery, dizzy, nauseous and gave me an awful headache. And from what I have heard about Mag Sulfate, it is much, much worse!!

Everyday I wake up and feel Adam move, I thank God that he allowed him to make it through the night. The closer I get to the delivery date, the more nervous I am getting that he is going to die before I even get to hold him while he is breathing. I know that whatever happens, it will be what God wants to happen, but I want more than anything to be able to hold my baby alive and for him to have a chance to live. I want him to prove the Dr's wrong and show everybody that God has performed a miracle with my son!

At this point, I am excited to meet Adam, but nervous about what the outcome is going to be. I will never fully be prepared for what I am going to have to go through, but I feel like I am as ready as I ever will be for God's plan to be revealed to me. Part of me feels like I am counting down to the day my son will die and I feel guilty about that. But this whole pregnancy has been such an awful emotional roller coaster and I am ready for this part of the ride to be over. If Adam is not supposed to live here with me on Earth, then I know he is better off in Heaven where he will have no pain and not be subjected to the many surgeries he will be put through while he is here. He can go to Heaven and be with his other siblings that I have miscarried.

That being said, I am not giving up on him and will do everything humanly possible to give him a chance at life. I believe that God will tell me when enough is enough and it's time to let him go. Hopefully, that day will not come until I am old and have left earth myself!